Saturday, May 23, 2009

An inside view to an Army spouses feelings during deployment

I got this from a friend of mine a few weeks ago from an Army wife "sista", it's written by Jennifer Chaloux, whom I don't know- but our hearts are the same.
I hope that this helps my friends understand me a little better..

Trying not to cry too hard so you don't make them feel bad...laying your head on their chest trying to memorize the sound of his heartbeat, the way he holds you, kisses you on the head, his laughter, and his cologne.

Holding their hand and not wanting to let go, not even for a second.

A million kisses and hugs.

Saying I love you 50 times a day, and still questioning whether you have said it enough.

Doing laundry and realizing there are none of his clothes to do and wishing there was.

Setting the table for 2 even if there is only1.

Sleeping on the couch for weeks because you can’t bear to sleep in your bed when he is on a cot.

Feeling guilty for enjoying a sunny day, a good movie, or just a ride in the car.

Avoiding phone calls because you just can’t talk about it , again, I’m fine is never enough, but you can’t make them understand no matter how hard you try.

Alienating yourself so you don’t have to fake a smile, or conversation.

Wanting to just scream and yell until you have no voice left and wiping away those endless tears.
Snapping out of it will take a year.

Wondering if he will be the same person he was when he left, and feel comfortable in his own home when he gets back.

Feeling selfish for having a pity party when he has it a lot worse.

Watching the news when you are told not to.

Knowing when we talk he will never tell me he had to dive under something to avoid getting hurt, day after day.

Not knowing who you are at the end of the day, because you can’t be who you were without him.
The word “why” is the first word in everything you think about.

No matter how hard you try, you always thinking the worst case scenario.

Wanting to sleep the whole next year because it’s the only time you get a break from stress.

Wearing his clothes while he is gone, and using a shirt with his cologne as a pillowcase to snuggle up too.

Trying to pray double time but feeling like a hypocrite, because right now I would be angry with God if something happens.

Walking around with a lump in your throat and a pit in your stomach for the next year.

Saying thank you he's fine because if you say too much you'll just cry, like you have done for the past 4 days.

Truly feeling lost, scared, and powerless.

Just going through the motions of getting up, getting ready and going through your day clutching your phone in case he calls, trying to fake being in a good mood so they think you are okay.

Getting that “look” when someone sees your military ID at the check out, and waiting for the questions I don’t want to answer.

Feeling jealous of other couples holding hands.

Avoiding your favorite cd’s or tv shows that we enjoyed together because you have no ones hand to hold or arms to lay in.

Tired of hearing “don’t think that way,” how can you not?

Realizing you have no one that truly understands, and finding friendship in other army wives that do.

Doing the same paperwork six times over, knowing you’ll have to do it again.

Having that conversation no one wants to have about injuries, death, and their wishes if it happens.

Watching other families before they deployed, men holding their newborn babies; knowing they will miss their first giggle, word, and wonder if they will know him when he gets home.

Seeing children that are too young to understand where their mom or dad are.

Families taking pictures of everything, no matter how trivial.

Seeing mothers treating their 40 year old as if he were a kid again, and she always will.

Trying to memorize every one's face and last name, because when he calls he never uses their first name when he talks about them.

Not being able to be there when they are promoted to show them and tell them how proud of them you are.

Wanting people to understand 90% of the soldiers don’t want to be there either. They want peace like all of us do.

Wanting to tell all the people at a anti-war rally that they are there because they are free, and have those rights because they live in a country protected by the military.

When the worst happens they will want the soldiers to protect them.

That every family, and person who lost their life to the 9/11 attacks are being disrespected if we didn’t fight back.

Don’t hate the war and the soldiers, hate the people who started the war.

Understanding the TRUE meaning of honor, pride, dedication, and hero. They are drivers in a convoy, infantry, mechanics, medics, Dr.’s and nurses, Chaplin's. Most of all they are our husbands, wives, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters. They have a job to do, and a family to take care of.

That family not only consists of a spouse and kids, but your family as well.

Wow- this really says a lot. If I could add one it would be:
Feeling utterly, completely alone in a room full of people


chalouxsgirl said...

Thank you so much for re-posting the letter I wrote! ...Matthew came home in March, and I can say thank god its over! It was a journey to say the least...but I couldn't replace all the amazing Army wives that were such an amazing support! Don't get me wrong, I am okay if the next deployment isn't for a few years or so (wishful thinking!)
Thanks again!
Jennifer (chalouxs girl)

ddotlib said...

I'm so glad that you don't mind that I reposted it- your words were felt in my heart. Rick came home (for now) in April. Isn't it wonderful having them home for the holidays??
Best wishes-